You’re thirty now – 3 decades in which you’ve loved, and lost, and grown, struggled, toiled, thrived, and learned, and so much more. It’s been nothing like you’d ever thought, and it’s been better, too.
Darling, you’re going to be okay. Yes, you’re not where you thought you would be, but isn’t it lovely in it’s own way? Aren’t there ever so many things – experiences – people – songs – sunrises and sunsets – baby cheeks and giggles – God encounters – to be grateful for every hour of every day?
I’m imploring you at this tender but crucial juncture in your life: stay thankful. Stay here. Don’t run from your fear of this present not looking like the future you asked for. Don’t do something rash in order to minimize the angst and pain and confusion and uncontrollable sobbing. Keep your heart soft by continuing to attend tenderly to it. Choose to hold with one hand the disappointment, and in the other, steadfast hope. It’s possible, you know. You’ve often felt the weight of tension in opposing truths in the last two years, so you will see the familiar way again. Open your hands now, ready to grasp onto acknowledging the reality of your pain, and the belief that He will answer the prayers you’ve prayed for this long.
Darling, keep talking to Him. Keep telling Him everything. But don’t stop at the telling – let Him console you, and believe Him when He speaks the life-words that silence the lie-words. Don’t let yourself be pulled back into the arms of the wretched lover who always leaves you unsatisfied and lonely. Believe Him. Look into His faithful eyes and draw courage from them to really trust Him, that He would never lie to you, and that He is looking both at all of you, and past you, to tell you in whispers the goodness that is coming.
Did you know it’s good? It’s good, Danae. What’s coming is g o o d. Because HE is. And since He can heal you of debilitating anxiety, and heal your relationship with your mom, and bind up your broken heart, and bring Autumn and Winter and Spring and Summer every single year, and a sunrise every morning after the long night, He has already proven that He is The Faithful One. The Only Faithful One.
Stay grateful. Stay soft. Stay open and hopeful and cling to Him more tightly.