january 26 . 2019

On Dreaming.

I want to add something to the processing I started in the last piece of writing – something I realized in the last several weeks.

It wasn’t just my pragmatism that’s kept me from dreaming all these years.

It’s also the fact that I never imagined that I would get to my age and be doing life alone.

I know I’m not  a l o n e … I obviously have a loving family and a rich community around me.

I mean, alone, as in navigating life without a husband to do it next to.

I’ll say it again.

I never, in my worst imaginations, thought I’d get to age almost-thirty and not have a person to do life…dreams…being…with.

I’ve been blocked from seeing my future because I never planned to be here in my future. 

The future *always* included two of us… two, that became one merged life…to process, to grieve, to celebrate, to encourage, to fight with and through and out the other side.

There was never supposed to be just me.

That’s why I couldn’t dream. That’s why I never had an answer for my therapist when for months she tirelessly encouraged me to look behind to get clues, and then ahead to see what they could be pointing towards. The answer only ever included marriage. And maybe grad school – after I was married and didn’t have to work to support myself through it.

This realization, or revelation, has actually brought me a lot of peace and comfort. No, there’s nothing wrong with me having an inability to dream up impossible things. I’m not behind.

I’ve just been stuck. For more than two decades.

It probably takes awhile to undo the brain chemistry that reaches the proverbial fork in the neuropathway of dreaming and always goes left – towards Hopeful-For-Marriage…

…and the path to the right is little more than over-grown, small footprints, barely discernible now.

But it’s clear to me: that if marriage is yet delayed, or potentially not in my future at all, that that trek to the right is still very much an option. And what meadows, and rich forests, and magical waterfalls could there be in that direction? What expanses of glory and wonder await the traveler, if she only has the courage to push through the brush and bring a lantern to light the way that may be a little dark, and certainly unknown?

I’m going to find out.


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