january 5 . 2019

Since I was about eight or nine years old, I have not been able to dream (imagine something huge and ‘impossible’ for my future) about anything in my life besides future relationships with boys and my wedding.

If there comes a thought that sounds like, “oohh, I wonder if…” my brain quickly shuts it down with, “nahh, that can’t work because _______.” (it’s too late to try that – you’re not cute enough for that – no one would invite you to do that – you can’t make money at that – etc.)

So instead, I make goals, and work to achieve those goals like anyone else would – but that isn’t the same as picturing something that doesn’t yet exist, and getting excited about something happening there that is way bigger than you and what you could accomplish on your own.

The goals and plans I make for myself are totally achievable – by myself. It has been safer that way, in my control, and timeline for the most part.

Sometime last year, I came to see that I don’t have a greater direction I’m moving in; I don’t have a dream for my life that I’m praying will come to pass, or looking for ways to make it happen.

Besides marriage, there is nothing I care that deeply about.

Except – I think there might be. I think I just forgot how to use my imagination that way. I think I gave in to pragmatism right around the time when I was ten or eleven and understood that you don’t just wake up one day and become a World Cup Level soccer star like Mia Hamm…you have to work for a dream like that.

Well, I didn’t love soccer enough to work for that dream, so I let it go.

The point is, I want to dream. I want to find the need in the world that I can help satisfy and heal, and I want to direct my life toward that. I want to anchor in who I was created to be, and I want to orient myself in the direction of something impossible that needs my prayers, my attention, my effort, and my heart.

And I’m working hard not to believe that I am starting too late – at almost-thirty.

This year, I’m ready to start letting my heart take risks to believe that the impossible could be possible. It’s not pragmatic, and it won’t make sense to my naturally-black-and-white thinking, but I think it’ll be worth it.

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(I did not hand letter this, and I can’t find who did!! But I love it and I love Annie F. Downs and I’m sorry for not giving credit!)

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