november 15 . 2018

On Millennial Dating in Your Late Twenties: A Rant

Prelude: If you know me, you know that I love men – I think they’re wonderful and amazing, and I have great godly men in my life who I trust and respect deeply – this is not in reaction to any men in particular beyond the few yahoos with whom I have “horror” stories, bless their hearts. 

I’ll start by saying, I find it unnerving that men who date online are annoyed by the fact that women find their height to be important.

First – in my experience – men lie about their height. By at least 2 inches. And a girl of solid character like me is rightfully concerned about someone who lies about something as insignificant (in terms of things you would lie about) as their height, because what ELSE are you lying about??

Second – I’ll just state what anyone over 5’9″ is thinking – it’s super unfair that the short girls care about height. They’re ruining it for us Amazons out here.

That said, after and inside of the years I’ve spent trying to find a kind, secure, Jesus-loving man who is over five feet and ten inches tall – both on the inter-web, and in “Real Life” – permit me the opportunity to let the well-meaning, “older”, married folk who are concerned about us twenty-something millennials-who-just-can’t-seem-to-figure-it-out in on a mildly-important, true-to-my-life-experience fact:

Dating these days is exhausting, and – I would argue – way harder than it was for you.

For Christians who didn’t meet their soulmates at their private Christian universities, or in YWAM, or at BSSM, or in the Bible study on campus when they were 19 years old, our options for good godly people really slim down in our twenties – especially if you’re choosing a church for the Spirit, and not because of the of-marrying-aged-parishioners options. Just that spiritual and emotional gymnastics routine in itself (as in, trying to decide whether you will or won’t choose where you worship based on how many single people there are there) won’t bring much energy to a soul.

Especially for a woman who is wired to respond to pursuit – having to “put oneself out there” over and over again is wearing. I really only have the stamina to do it for a few weeks at a time until I need to take a break.

“Being too picky” isn’t the problem here. And on that note, if I had a dollar for every day two people arbitrarily gave me either end of the advice spectrum: “stop being so picky” or “don’t settle for anything less than God’s best!”, I’d be out of student loan debt by now. Of course they mean well, but clearly there’s more going on here that can’t be solved by following either of those directions.

As I was saying, if you think “being picky” means I won’t seriously date someone who smokes pot, or is a kinda-sorta-if-my-lady-wants-to-drag-me-I’ll-go-to-church attender, or someone who breaks off our relationship because I won’t sleep with them before marriage, or someone who wants me to be subservient and “submissive (read: defer to him every time we disagree) wife” then okay, YES, you’re right! I am being picky!

Because that’s what we’re dealing with today, folks.

The culture has convinced most people – especially in my city – that they can choose their own truth. There is no moral code. “Love” wins the day every time – and you can define Love however you want to.

As a person who doesn’t align with those values, maybe you can see a little clearer how dangerous it would be to partner myself with a person who does. We would be ill-matched. We would, worst case, end up adding to the horrific divorce rate.

It’s hard. It’s complicated.

And I know tomorrow I’ll be writing about how I’m a whole human being right now, and I don’t need a husband to complete me, so please choose a different first question during meet-and-greet at church than, “So, are you married?”.

And then the next day, obviously, I’ll be writing about how I’m trying to be in it for the long haul because I refuse to give up hope that there isssss my Charlton Heston out there sommmmewheeerrrrre (childhood crushes never fade, amirite).

to be continued.

Written with a commitment to post within a few minutes of expression, very little spellchecking, and willingness to embrace the inevitable vulnerability hangover.

2 thoughts on “november 15 . 2018

  1. Hi Danae! A new subbie here..
    I am on the same journey as you, inclusive of the height problem, haha.
    I am a Christian and often my question to other Christian women is what do they think about submissiveness as a wife. That’s a topic causing a lot of confusion for me as there are endless opinions on the topic. What is yours?
    Also do you think break-ups are a part of His divine plan… My break-up changed the way I trust God.

    1. Hi Elizabeth! Yes, there are many opinions out there on submission. I formed mine by reading lots of scripture, and letting scripture interpret itself instead of relying too heavily on pastors/teachers interpretations (though those can definitely help!). Meaning this: though there are a few passages in the New Testament which seem to communicate that women should “submit” to to their husbands, it’s clear from Jesus’ life and interactions with women, and from numerous other scriptures which elevate the status of women to the level of equality with men, that to base a theology of gender and roles around 2 or 3 isolated passages is dangerous. Because we weren’t present when scripture was written, and we can’t imagine the cultural contexts and experiences of the times and places and people to which scripture was written, we have to do the best we can with what we’ve been given. I believe the “safest” place to land is to look at what the greater narrative of scripture communicates – that in Christ, there is no distinction of roles and hierarchies. We are one in Him, and He treats us all with the same love and regard. To that end, I have seen very healthy marriages that emulate Ephesians 5:21, which says “…submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” When both people in a marriage are humble and willing to put the other’s opinions above their own – as Jesus did with His Father – there can only be health that comes from that relationship. That’s the opinion I hold, but I hope the first part of my answer sheds a little more light on your own process.

      Break-ups are so so painful, and I’m so sorry for yours! Without getting too deep in the weeds of what I think about God’s divine plan and what that really means (like whether He ordains us to meet certain people, marry certain people, and we have little-to-no “choice” in the matter), I will say that it’s clear that humans have a free will, and that will leads us to sin against one another. Our issues and sins mess up relationships. Some relationships shouldn’t work out – for differences of values, ways of life, beliefs, etc, and they naturally end. Others could work out, but don’t because of one person, or both’s, selfishness or other issues. And others work out when they shouldn’t, for unhealthy attachments, or any other myriad of reasons.

      We are never promised an easy road in this life – but Jesus does promise to be with us in the midst of all of it.

      I can relate to trust being an issue after a significant loss in relationship. The best thing that I practiced when that happened, was to be honest with the Lord about how I felt He had let me down in that area. That may sound sacrilegious, but if you read any of the lamenting Psalms, you’ll be relieved and encouraged by David’s example of authenticity and vulnerability with God, essentially giving us permission to be just as honest and real with the Lord. When I did that, I experienced comfort like I hadn’t known before. God is drawn to us when we share ourselves with Him. I pray that you can find depth in intimacy with the Lord by letting Him teach you to trust in Him again. Thank you for reading and commenting!

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