Today I am wrestling with some questions.
How do we process uncomfortable things in our lives – like, character flaws, or interpersonal and relational issues, negative or unhelpful behaviors?
How do we not allow ourselves to get depressed by the epiphany of discovery and turn into a recluse and hide because of the dumb and stupid things we said when we were unfiltered? How do we not ignore the epiphany?
How do we lean into the pain of acknowledging our past unhelpful idiosyncrasies and choose not just to stuff it because it’s difficult to face or act out because it’s difficult to face or blame others because it’s difficult to face – how do we FACE IT well?
I took an emotional intelligence assessment a few weeks ago and had the privilege of processing the results yesterday with an experienced coach. Though the overall results were more positive than I expected, the identified growth areas have me tied up in little inner knots today. I am finding that it is very unsettling – and, surprisingly, embarrassing? yes, that’s what I’m feeling, embarrassed – to realize that the low grade of “Impulse Control” in my life has been the cause of sharing rash and unfiltered comments, judgements, opinions with anyone within earshot. Statements that have much potential to alienate me from others (acquaintances, co-workers, even strangers) and paint an inaccurate picture of me and I really, honestly, had no idea about it. It’s a strength to be “Assertive” but if I don’t have control over my impulses and go ahead and say that first “great” and “right” idea that comes into my mind…wow. Yikes. So much yikes. So many memories and past experiences came flooding into my mind yesterday, ones where now I recognize that I made a fool of myself.
I left work with a headache and ended up on the couch with Madam Secretary and tea and sourdough toast. (Commercial Break: Guys – Madam Secretary? Yes, please. She and Dr. McCord remind me of Coach and Tammy Taylor but are somehow BETTER. Ugh – so good. Netflix it!)
I’ve known for awhile that I’m obsessed with growth. With change. With not remaining the same, both in my outer world and in my inner one. No, it’s not because I’m averse to commitment or consistency – not at all. I have a healthy appreciation for what makes “me” me, and for routine, but I also see so many areas where “me” could be a more beautiful expression of HIM. I want to be better (the EQi calls this “Self-Actualization”) and am constantly working towards it while striving to extend grace for the process. I know that I will learn to hold space for the discomfort of these recent realizations and that I have tools and kind people to direct me towards growth. I am so thankful for that. But for today, I know that I also need to hold a little space to feel the weight of pain that I may have inflicted on others because of my ignorance. And I think that’s a good thing.
If I have offended you, hurt you, made you feel judged by something I’ve said, I would love for you to share that with me so that I can apologize to you. That was never my intention and I endeavor now to not repeat it in the future. As I look forward, I hope to embody and express the knowledge that there is a time, place, and manner in which to express truth and ideas and allow safe and comfortable space for you to share yours with me.