june 14 . 2014

k i n d n e s s .

 

I just want to be kind.

That thought has been wisping through my consciousness, I think because I prayed for refining. “Don’t you know that’s the ONE thing you should never pray for, Danae?” Yep. I know. I did it anyway. When you’re so In Love, you just ask for crazy things.

So lately I’ve realized that I am selectively kind. I am kind to those that I deem worthy of kindness, and I am kind to those I want to impress, and I am kind to those that I’m obligated to be kind to (ahem customer service).

There are those I have realized that I am not always kind to. Those that I love the most in this world (my precious family) and those that I have passed judgement on.

 

/ / I am kinda shaking as I write this, because what I want to type out today, for the whole grand atmosphere and online world to witness, are my deep and intimate thoughts. They are ugly, but they are real. They are uncomfortable, but I need to process “out loud” because . . . I just have to. Please have grace. / /

 

 

I just acknowledged, T O D A Y, that I have a complex.

I think I’m better than other people. Legitimately.

I think that I write better, speak better, eat better, exercise better, smile better, relate better, dance better, host better, betterbetterbetter.

Not ‘ALWAYS’ or ‘THAN ALL PEOPLE’. Just some people. I judge them. I subconsciously compare myself to them and, just as subconsciously, I find myself . . . better.

So I admitted this ugly, sickening truth to myself today and was appalled and, yep, sickened. Seriously? Where do you get off, Danae?

Because I realized that once I pass judgement on someone, I treat them differently than others. This is all completely subconscious, which is why I hadn’t seen it until today.

If I deem them awkward (because I’m more poised/articulate/socially appropriate), I’ll avoid them. Their awkwardness makes me feel awkward.

If I deem them rude, (because I’m nicer to people) then I’ll be rude back to them, to “teach them a lesson”. Yeah, because THAT’S logical.

Ugh, this is so yucky but I have to keep going.

I hate how I treat my family. I hate that I don’t have patience with my parents, that I feel inconvenienced by them.

Why can’t I just be soft in my tone, loving in my words, joyful in my service? Why do unkind words just come so quickly and habitually? Why can’t I just go to the people who maybe, yes, ARE awkward, and sit with them and speak with them, looking into their eyes and communicating that they’re seen and important? Why doesn’t that just come naturally to me instead of appearing, at least at this point, to be something that I would have to consciously make an effort to do?

 

 

“The fruit of the Spirit is lovejoypeacepatience K I N D N E S S goodnessfaithfulnessgentlenessselfcontrol . . . ” (galatians)

 

If you’re reading this and have felt judged by me, I want to say that I’m sorry, I’m so very desperately sorry, because I probably was judging you without even realizing it. I hate that that is true, but please forgive me and understand that now that I see it, I am actively working towards being kinder, more accepting, and less self-absorbed and self-righteous.

 

In my truest heart of hearts, I want to always communicate love, honor, respect, and kindness to ANYONE that comes across my path or into my life. I deeply value the lives around me and I hope to soon be able to walk out that core value consistently and in ways that bring life.

 

 

 

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