december 8 . 2013

these seasons pass so quickly.

two wonderful jobs now keep me away from common contemplation, processing, writing, sharing…I don’t have space, time, and sometimes energy to separate my brain from value statements, Google, marketing, steak fries, non-slip shoes not-non-slipping, “Corner!” (if you get that last one, kudos, thank you for the time you served in food service) and attach it to . . . the fact that 3 of my best friends moved away from me within a period of 7 days . . . the fact that my brother is getting married in 7.5 months and does he need help preparing, processing, dreaming . . . the fact that my one-month-seven-day-old nephew is up north and I want to see his precious face every single day, and laugh with my sister and hear what deep thoughts my brother-in-law has been considering . . . the fact that I have been faced point-blank with unhealthy thought-processes gone un-stopped, un-controlled, kept in the dark — my whole life, the whole time — and away from the  L I G H T  and  L I F E  that Jesus would bring to it and me. Self-hatred, self-denial, self-absorption, but not absorbed enough because otherwise I feel like I wouldn’t have missed this, this negativity raging wild inside me, this  Y U C K  that has kept me pressing myself

down

down

down,

cheek to the floor, striving to humbly bow but not, scraping the cobblestones with false humility, leaves scratches on my cheeks, stinging with my heart-tears, THIS IS NOT HUMILITY, this is POWERLESSNESS.

This is denying what strength there is within me, placed there by a strong, powerful,
L O V I N G  L O V I N G  L O V I N G  Father —

Who wants to see me standing.

Standing  T A L L .

Because He made me five  T A L L  feet, ten  T A L L  inches.

And He loves it about me.

Even when I hated it forever.

He loves it.

Even when the short/average/”perfect” ones come in for a hug and exclaim, “Oh, you’re so TALL, I didn’t know you were so TALL.”

He loves it.

Even when the boys in junior high didn’t notice, didn’t nod, didn’t wink, just glanced, assessed, looked away.

He loved it. He loves it.

He loves ME.

Self-acceptance. Self-love. This is one of the hardest and most trying processes I have ever ventured into. And this is just one, seemingly-to-you-insignificant issue, this tall-ness. There is more deep within me. And now that it has glimpsed the  L I G H T  , the  L I F E  that Jesus whispered down to it, the Hope is too much to disregard, and the rest of  M E  is scraping at deep-bottom-of-well walls, screaming for help, screaming for life, screaming and scrambling for freedom.

One thought on “december 8 . 2013

  1. So powerfully written! I love the poetry woven through it. Your God is a big God Danae, and I love to see the process of your beautiful heart and your tall, mighty spirit! I love and miss you bestie.

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