I’ve been asking God to teach me to cry.
Though I am a deeply emotional woman, I never cried easily . . . only when I was irate, deeply hurt, or in physical pain would my tears find way to my face.
I won’t waste space talking about how this inability to express myself made me feel (different, weird, unemotional) . . . the crux of it is, I finally realized a few years ago that I wanted to be a crier. I wanted to experience the gracious release of my feelings outwardly whenever I needed to. So I began to ask God for tears.
Thankfully, in His wisdom, He has not only answered, but answered so gently. And I have loved it. Even though the tears have come with the tight chest, the congestion, the red eyes . . . it’s worth it to F E E L .
Last weekend I was on vacation with my family in Eagle Crest. I was emotional all weekend and unable to pinpoint exactly why I felt on the verge of tears most of the time. Finally, upon getting in my car with my dad to get some ice cream, I broke and blurted out to him: “I miss you guys and I want to come home.”
This season in Redding has been outstanding. Marissa asked me the other night if I ever imagined my life could be as good as it is. The answer is, no, I never did. Granted, I expected to be married by now, but as single as I am, I could not have planned out my life to be as incredible as it has turned out to be, especially the last 6 months.
My heart is still in Oregon. In that rainy state. In my home with the fireplace, the warm kitchen filled with smells of homemade bread and Mom’s roast, the apple trees I climbed and hid in when I was a little girl, the majestic view of mountains from our front windows, the C O L D , the fabulous bookstores and coffee shops, the G R E E N , the way Autumn comes incredibly and lasts long, yes, even the weirdness. I love it. I miss it.
I miss my family more.
My brother who is gentle, helpful, compassionate, strong, hilarious. My sister who is supportive, loving, inspirational, beautiful. My brother-in-law who is genius, thoughtful, powerful. My parents who are the best gifts to my world.
I’m tearing up now just thinking deeply about them.
I need them. And I think they need me, too.
I know my life would be drastically different than the way it was when I left 6 years ago.
I L O V E C H A N G E .
And I know I could find my way, my community, my H O M E again.